HUMOR ON LINE PAGE 3 A LITTLE MORE FUNNY STUFF

A POSITIVE NOTE
I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.

I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.

I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that you should pass this on to someone you care about. I just did. Sometimes
they just need a little something to make them smile. Note: People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel......

I've learned....That the best classroom in the world
                          is at the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned....That when you're in love, it shows.

I've learned....That just one person saying to me,
                        "You've made my day!" makes my day.

I've learned....That having a child fall asleep in
                           your arms is one of the most peaceful
                          feelings in the world.

I've learned....That being kind is more important than
                         being right.

I've learned....That you should never say no to a gift
                         from a child.

I've learned....That I can always pray for someone
                          when I don't have the strength
                         to help him in some other way.

I've learned....That no matter how serious your life
                          requires you to be, everyone
                          needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned....That sometimes all a person needs is a
                          hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I've learned....That simple walks with my father
                         around the block on summer nights
                         when I was a nights child did
                          wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned....That life is like a roll of toilet
                          paper. The closer it gets to the end,
                         the faster it goes.

I've learned....That we should be glad God doesn't
                         give us everything we ask for.

I've learned....That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned....That it's those small daily happenings
                          that make life so spectacular.

I've learned....That under everyone's hard shell is
                          someone who wants to be
                          appreciated and loved.

I've learned....That the Lord didn't do it all in one
                          day. What makes me think I can?

I've learned....That to ignore the facts does not
                          change the facts.

I've learned....That when you plan to get even with
                           someone, you are only letting
                           that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned....That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned....That the easiest way for me to grow as
                         a person is to surround myself
                         with people smarter than I am.

I've learned....That everyone you meet deserves to be
greeted with a smile.

I've learned....That there's nothing sweeter than
                         sleeping with your babies and feeling
                          their breath on your cheeks.

I've learned....That no one is perfect until you fall
                          in love with them.

I've learned....That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned....That opportunities are never lost;
                         someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned....That when you harbor bitterness,
                          happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned....That I wish I could have told SOMEONE
                         that I love them one more time
                         before they passed away.

I've learned....That one should keep his words both
                         soft and tender, because tomorrow
                        he may have to eat them.

I've learned....That a smile is an inexpensive way to
                          improve your looks.

I've learned....That I can't choose how I feel, but I
                         can choose what I do about it.

I've learned....That when your newly born grandchild
                          holds your little finger in his
                         little fist, that   ou're hooked for life.

I've learned....That everyone wants to live on top of
                         the mountain, but all the happiness and
                              growth occurs while you're
                        climbing it.

I've learned ...That it is best to give advice in only
                          two circumstances; when it is
                          requested and when it is a
                                life threatening situation.

I've learned....That the less time I have to work
                          with, the more things I get done.
============================================
A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.
Friends are very rare jewels, indeed.

They make you smile and encourage you to
succeed. They lend an ear they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us.

When this push-button world befuddles me I like to
read it over and remember. Bear with me.

Ah, yes, I can remember it well. If you are old enough...Take a
stroll with me... close your eyes...and go back...before the
internet...before semiautomatics and crack..before SEGA or Super
Nintendo..way back...

I'm talkin' bout hide and go seek at dusk.

Sittin' on the porch, Simon says,

Kick the Can, Redlight...Green light.

Lunch boxes with a thermos.

chocolate milk,

going home for lunch,

penny candy from the store,

hopscotch,

butterscotch,

skates with keys,

Jacks,

Mother May I?

Hula Hoops and sunflower seeds,

Whist and Old Maid and Crazy Eights,

wax lips and mustaches,

Mary Janes,

saddleshoes

and Coke bottles with the names of cities on the bottom,

running through the sprinkler,

circle pins,

bobby pins,

Mickey Mouse Club

Rocky & Bullwinkle

Fran & Ollie,

Spin & Marty...all in black & white.

When the corner seemed far away,

and going downtown seemed like going somewhere.

Bedtime,

climbing trees,

making forts.

backyard shows,

lemonade stands,

Cops & Robbers,

Cowboys & Indians

sittin' on the curb,

staring at cloudsj

jumping down the steps

jumping on the bed

pillow fights

getting "company",

ribbon candy

angel hair on the Christmas tree,

Jackie Gleason, Red Skelton,

white gloves,

walking to church,

walking to the movies,

being tickled to death,

running til you were out of breath,

laughing so hard that your stomach hurt,

being tired from playin'. remember that?

Not steppin' on a crack or you'll break your mothers back.

paper chains at Christmas,

silhouettes of Lincoln and Washington..

The smell of paste in school and Evening in Paris.

What about the girl that had the big bubbly handwriting,

who dotted her "i's" with hearts??

The Stroll, popcorn balls & sock hops.

Remember when...when there were two types of sneakers
for girls and boys (Keds & PF Flyer)

and the only time you wore them was for "gym."

And the girls had those ugly uniforms.

When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up.

When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got home|
from school.

When nobody owned a purebred dog

When a quarter was a decent allowance,
and another quarter a huge bonus.

When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.

When girls neither dated not kissed until high school, if then.

When your mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.

When all your male teachers wore neckties

and female teachers had their hair done, everyday,
and wore high heels.

When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas
pumped, without asking, all for free, every time.

And you didn't pay for air, and you got trading stamps to boot!

When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels
hidden inside the box.

Remember when...any parent could discipline any kid,
or feed him, or use him to carry groceries, and nobody
not even the kid, thought a thing of it.

When it was considered a great privilege to be take out
to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents.

When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed.
and did!

That's about half of it. I hope it brought back pleasant memories
for all of you as it does for me.

Have times changed? Or what? Food for thought. Forrest,
Remember when?
Subject: Flashback

Quotes from 1959....

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are,
its' going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit.
A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging
a dime just to mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1,
nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 50 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more.
Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn'
in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every movie
has a 'hell' or a 'damn' in it."

"Also, it won't be long until couples are sleeping in the
same bed in the movies. What is this world coming to?"

"Marilyn Monroe is now showing her bra and panties,
so apparently there are no standards anymore."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed
a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball?
It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making
more than the president."

"Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?"

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few
married women are having to work to make ends meet."

"It won't be long before young couples are going to
have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

"Did you know the new church in town is allowing women to wear slacks to their service?"

"Next thing you know is, the government will start paying us
not to grow crops."

"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door
to a whole lot of foreign business."

"I don't know about you but if they raise the price of coffee
to 15 cents, I'll just have to drink mine at home."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.
I'll have my wife learn to cut hair."

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse
he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife."

Radio Conversation

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE

SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC

FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE

CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS.

I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH,

I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-

MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE

SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made
my husband a millionaire."

"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire."

"Orville Wright said to his brother, Wilbur,
'You were only in the air for twelve seconds.
How could your luggage be in Cleveland?'" -Red Buttons

Actual signs and bumper stickers spotted around the country...

** On a Plumbers truck : "We repair what your husband fixed."

** Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

** At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

** At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

** In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

** On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

** At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

** On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

** In a veterinarian's waiting room : "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

** At the electric company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

** In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

EuroEnglish

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of negotiations, her Majesty Government conceded that

English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted

a five-year phased plan for what will be known

as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c"

. Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy.

Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k".

Not only will this klear up konfusion,

but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year,

when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make
words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted

to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters,

which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag

is disgraful, and they would go.

By the forth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing

"th" by "z" and "w" by "v".

During ze fifz year ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd

vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors

be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil

be no mor trobls or difikultis and evrivum vil

find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

Do you know how many lawyer jokes there really are in the world? Only three. The rest are true stories.

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.

Sorry - yesterday was the deadline for all complaints.

As speculative Masons we have learned that certain tools have significant theoretical value rather than demonstrated.
With this in mind I want to share this with you.

A KIT FOR EVERY DAY LIVING

Items Needed:
1) Toothpick
2) Rubber Band
3) Band Aid
4) Pencil
5) Eraser
6) Chewing Gum
7) Mint
8) Candy Kiss
9) Tea Bag

1) TOOTHPICK - to remind you to pick out the good
qualities in others.

2) RUBBER BAND - to remind you to be flexible;
things might not always go the way you want,
but it will work out.

3) BAND AID - to remind you to heal hurt feelings,
yours or someone else's.

4) PENCIL - to remind you to list your blessings
everyday.

5) ERASER - To remind you that everyone makes
mistakes and that's OK.

6) CHEWING GUM - to remind you to stick with it and
you can accomplish anything.

7) MINT - to remind you that you are worth a mint.

8) CANDY KISS - to remind you that everyone needs a
kiss or a hug everyday.

9) TEA BAG - to remind you to relax daily and
reflect all the positive things in your life.
A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.

Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you
smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an
ear, share a word of praise and they always open their
hearts to us. Show your friends how much you care.
=============================================

QUIZ OF HE DAY

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.

3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.

4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.

5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for

Best Actor and Actress.

6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series Winners.

How did you do?

The point is, none of us remembers the headliners of yesterday.
These are no second-rate achievers. They're the best in their fields.
But the applause dies. Awards tarnish.

Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates
are buried with their owners.

Now here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.

2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.

4. Think of a few people who made you feel appreciated and special.

5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

6. Name a half dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.

Easier?

The lesson?

The people who make a difference in your life aren't the

ones with the most credentials, the most money,

or the most awards. They're the ones who care.

When you have a chance, pass this on to people

who've made a difference In your life.