| Advice
from ExperienceShakey went
to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I`ve got trouble. Every time I get into
bed, I think there`s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there`s somebody on
top of it. Top, under, top, under. . . you gotta help me, I`m going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to
me three times a week, and I`ll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars per visit."
"I`ll sleep on it," said Shakey. Six months later the doctor met Shakey on
the street.
"Why didn`t you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck`s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
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============
Buying the Farm
A farmer had advertised his farm and was showing it to a
prospective Buyer. As they walked along a fence line the buyer saw bee hives and stopped.
He said, "Those hives are pretty close to the road." The farmer explained that
the bees just made honey and have never stung anyone.
The buyer felt unsure about the sale until he proposed that he be tied to a nearby
tree, naked, overnight. If he was stung once he would get the farm for free, but if he
wasn't stung then he would pay the farmer double the price. The farmer agreed and tied the
now naked man to the tree.
The next morning the farmer saw the man leaning over and very pale. "Oh no,"
the farmer thought, "he got stung and now I have to give him the farm!"
As he reached the man he gently shook him and asked where he got stung and if he needed
a doctor.
"No, no, I'm okay I guess," gasped the naked man. "I have no choice, do
I? I'll pay you double for the farm...
but doesn't that calf have a mother?"
=============================================
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and
came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining
it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history
museum. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of
a man who died of a heart attack!" the excited scientist
exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in.
We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist.
"You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death.
How in the world did you know he had a heart attack?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said,
'10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
============================
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his
young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What
a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win
together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or
you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack
the umpire. Do you understand all that?" Again the little
boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and
explain it
to your mother."
=====================
Advice for the Pregnant Couple
Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers
rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear
anything at all.
==================================
Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.
==================================
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
==================================
Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born,
say, type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.
==================================
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
==================================
Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there
anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
==================================
Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without
onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.
==================================
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Cause you're fatter then they are.
==================================
Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
===================================
Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
==================================
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is
she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado
might be called an air current.
===================================
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
=====================================
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
=====================================
Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
===================================
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
======================================
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra.
It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
=====================================
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
======================================
Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.
==================================
Believe five out of four people have trouble with
fractions. -
If quitters never win, and winners never quit,
what fool came up with
"Quit while you're ahead"?
=====================================
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
======================================
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
======================================
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I
wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
=====================================
- Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to
do... write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the
mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
=====================================
==================================
Two Hunters
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.
Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose
costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and
shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and
began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into
the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, lets get
out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The
zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd
better brace yourself."
==================================
Poor Muldoon
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and
doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to
the parish priest.
"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the
creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog's
death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However,
there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll
do something for the animal."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the
service?" Father Patrick, "Why didn't you tell me the dog
was Catholic!"
==================================
From the Book of Genesis, we've learned that it wasn't the apple in the tree, but
rather the pair on the ground.
==================================
Last Call
A man was sitting dejectedly at a bar when a friend entered, slapped the man on the
back and drank the seated fellow's drink. The seated man began to cry. Awww!
I'm sorry," he said. "I was just teasing. I'll buy you another drink."
"No, you don't understand! My son died two weeks ago and my wife was so upset she
left me. I was laid off last week and expect a foreclosure on the house soon. In addition,
my doctor tells me I have a disease which will weaken me over the next few years but won't
kill me for many years. Things look so dark that I decided to kill myself. Now you've waltzed in and drank my poison."
==================================
Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global Chemical warfare.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
==================================
A Sticky Situation
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.
After he finished, he headed to the kitchen to raid the refrigerator. The wife comes home
sooner than expected, and heads to the bathroom, sits down and gets the toilet seat stuck
to her rear. She becomes upset and in a panic shouts to her husband to drive her to the
doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat to cover the stuck seat, and off they go. When they get to
the doctor's office, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man
asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes." the doctor replied. "But never
framed."
==================================
A mother was teaching her three-year-old 'The Lord's Prayer.'
For several evenings at bedtime, the child repeated it after the mother. Then one night
the child was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride to the carefully enunciated
words, right up to the end.
"And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail, amen.
==================================
January Jeopardy
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold, blustery January
day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother
replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up."
So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend, and he said, "My hands
are freezing cold." The daughter replied, "Put them between my legs, they'll
warm up."
The next day, the boyfriend was again driving in the buggy with the Daughter. He said,
"My nose is freezing cold." The daughter replied, "Put it between my legs.
It will warm up." He did, and his nose warmed up.
The next day, the boyfriend was once again driving with the daughter and he said,
"My penis is frozen solid."
The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her
mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" The slightly concerned mother says,
"Sure, why do you ask?"
The daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out!"
==================================
New Low Tech Solution
Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device,
trade-named- BOOK.
BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no
batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use, even a child can
operate it.
Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere-even sitting in an armchair by the
fire-yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD- ROM disc
Here's how it works:
BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (Recyclable), each capable
of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a
custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.
Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet,
doubling the information density and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects
for further increases Information density; for now, BOOKS with more information simply use
more pages. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your
brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.
BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, though, like other devices, it can become
damaged if coffee is spilled on it and it becomes unusable if dropped too many times on a
hard surface. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet,
and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature,
which pin-points the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "Bookmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact place
you left it in a previous session-even if the BOOK has been closed. Bookmarks fit
universal design standards; thus, a single Bookmark can be used in BOOKs by various
manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOK markers can be used in a single BOOK if the user
wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages
in the BOOK.
You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with optional programming
tools, Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language
Styli (PENCILS). Portable, durable, and affordable,
BOOK is being hailed as a precursor of a new entertainment wave. BOOK's appeal seems so
certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and investors
are reportedly flocking to invest. Look for a flood of new titles soon.
==================================
Fortune Teller
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some
local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered
grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself
to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering
candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply
had to know. She met the fortune teller's gze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
==================================
Commiseration
Two little kids in a hospital who were lying next to each other. The first kid leans
over and asks "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little
nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done to me.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.
It's a piece of cake!!!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you in here for?"
The first kid replies, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision."
The second kid says, "Whoa! Watch out! I had that done when
I was born. I couldn’t walk for a year!"
==================================
Normal for What Happened
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons
through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of Lifesaver candies and said,
"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons, and mint, but when the
teacher gave them honey-flavored Lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. "I'll give
you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy and daddy probably
call each other all the time."
Instantly, Lil' Johnnie coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Spit 'em out!
Spit 'em out!
They're assholes!!"
==================================
Flaming Hoops
A New Orleans lawyer sought a FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be
granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as
collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three
months to track down.
After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual
letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that
the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in
which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have
only cleared title to the proposed collateral proper back to 1803. Before final approval
can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. "I note
that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present
application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those
working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from
France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of
uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained
from France, which had acquired it, by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into
possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named
Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India
by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful
about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of
the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund the Columbus expedition.
"Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of
God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe
to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would
be the owner of origin. I hope to hell you find His original claim to
be satisfactory.
"Now, may we have our damn loan?"
==================================
Inherently Valuable
There was a man who loved fine art. He loved it so much he lived for it. It had become
his whole life, and had literally engulfed him. He would work really hard to save up some
money, just so he could buy another piece of fine art. He would buy Rembrandt's and
Picasso's and many others works of fine art.
The man had been widowed some years before but he had a son. As he raised his son, he
included him in his hobby of collecting art. As his son grew, he also became a great art
collector. His dad was very proud of him. Collecting fine art was something that they both
loved to do and it brought them very close together.
Some time passed by and their country suddenly became engulfed in a war. The son, like
so many other young men, enlisted and went off to serve his country. He had been gone for
some time, and then it happened.
One day the father received a letter. It said, we regret to inform you that your son is
missing in action. The father's heart was broken. He loved his son so dearly and now he
truly realized how much his son meant to him. It hurt so badly not knowing what had
happened to him.
A few weeks passed, and then another letter came. This letter just ripped his heart in
two. It said, we regret to inform you that your son has been killed in action.
The father could hardly bear to read on, but as he did he discovered the circumstances
that his son had died under. The letter said that his son had made it back to safety. But
that he had seen wounded soldiers out on the battlefield. And one by one, he would go back
onto the battlefield and carry them to safety. As he was carrying in the last wounded
soldier, a bullet struck him and killed him. A month passed by and it was now Christmas
Day. The father didn't even want to get up out of bed. He just couldn't imagine spending
Christmas without his son. Then he heard the doorbell ring so he went downstairs to see
who was there. When he opened the door he found a young man standing there holding a
package. The young man said, Sir you don't know me. But I was the wounded soldier that
your son was carrying when he was killed.
He said, "I'm not a wealthy man. I don't have anything of value that I can give
you for what your son did for me. Your son had told me of your love for art, and although
I'm not much of an artist, I painted a portrait of your son, and I'd like for you to have
it." The father took the package into the house and opened it. Then he went into the
drawing room and took down the Rembrandt that was hanging over the fireplace. In its place
he hung up the portrait of his son.
Then with tears streaming down on his face he told the young man, "This is my most
prized possession. It is more valuable to me than any other work of art in my house."
The father and the young man shared a meal and Christmas Day together and then the
young man left. A few years later, the father became very ill. A short time later he died.
News of his death spread far and wide. Everyone was in anticipation of the great auction
that was to take place for all the pieces of art the man had collected. Finally it was
announced that the auction would be held on Christmas Day. Museum curators and collectors
came from all around the world. They were all eager for the chance to bid on the fine art
that was to be auctioned.
The house swelled full of people. Then the auctioneer stood up and said, "I'd like
to thank you all for coming. The first piece up for auction will be the portrait behind
me."
>From the back of the room someone yelled out, "That's just a picture of the
old man's kid! Why don't we just skip it, and get on to the real treasures?"
The auctioneer said, "We have to sell this portrait first, and then we can move
on."
The auctioneer asked, "Who would start the bidding at $100?"
No one answered so he asked, "Would anyone bid $50?"
Still no one answered so he asked, "Would any one bid $40?"
Again no one would bid on the portrait. So the auctioneer asked, 'Will nobody bid on
this portrait?"
An elderly man stood up and asked, "Would you take $10 for it? You see $10 is all
that I have. I'm the neighbor from across the street and I knew the boy. I watched him
grow up and I really liked him. I'd like to have the portrait. So, would you take $10 for
it?"
The auctioneer said, "$10 going once, going twice, and sold!"
Immediately a cheer went up and the people said to each other, "Oh boy, now we can
get on to the real art."
The auctioneer then said, "I'd like to thank you all for coming. It's been a
pleasure having you here today. That concludes our auction today."
The crowd grew very angry and asked, "What do you mean the auction is over? You
haven't even begun to take bids on all these other works of art!"
The auctioneer said, "I'm sorry but the auction is closed. You see, according to
the will of the father, WHOEVER TAKES THE SON GETS IT ALL!!! And that's the bottom line. |
BUCKLES WHOLESALE DEALERS
|
