Viagra

All drugs have a generic name, Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on... The FDA has been looking for a  generic name for Viagra, and they have settled on Mycoxafailin.

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A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas."

He asked her why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for  free".

He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?"

"I'm going too!!" he replied. Why?" She asked.

"I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year"!

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A man and his wife were doing yard work. The husband said to his wife, "Geez Honey, your butt is as wide as the BBQ grill."

The wife ignores his remark. A little later, the husband,
measuring tape in hand, walked over to his wife. While she was bending over to tend the flower bed, he measured her back side. "Honey, your butt IS as wide as the grill."

She again ignores his remark. Later that night, while in bed, the husband began to feel frisky. He rolled over to initiate a play session when his wife calmly turned to him and said, "Honey, if you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little weiner, you're  out of your mind."

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In Pennsylvania, we Drive on the Parkway and Park on the Driveway. Shouldn't it be the other way around. Of course, on  the Parkway, you often are.

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 Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not
wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. soon they

were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect

woman must have been driving.This explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen either.

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A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest,
"I had an affair with a woman - almost." The priest says,
"What do you mean, 'almost'?"

The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!"

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Stranger than Fiction; Reputedly real news headlines!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

Air Head Fired

Steals Clock, Faces Time

Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Iraqi head seeks arms

I've always wondered...

Do Lipton employees ever take coffee breaks?

-and-

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If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

Q: What is the difference between a woman and a boxer?

A: The boxer stands up and gets knocked down. A woman
lies down and gets knocked up!!

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A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first
day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said,
"Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent  condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows f #%&*# ing everything.

A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex. He gives her a pill but warns her it is
still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner and she does.

About a week later she's back at the doctor and says, "The pill worked great. I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said. It wasn't five minutes later and he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes on the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off and ravaged me right there on the table."

The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."

The lady replied, "Naah, That's okay. We aren't going back to Denny's anyway."

A phone company puts an ad in the paper that they are recruiting workers.

The next day, two groups of workers show up-a crew of five Italian men and a crew of five blonde women. The company cannot decide who to give the job to, so they give them a test. The company boss says, "Each crew will receive a telephone pole that they must install into the ground. Whoever is able to hammer it in first, they will get the job."

Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go in the Company trucks with the long telephone poles sticking out the back.

A few hours pass, and finally, at 5:00, the Italian crew returns."YAY!!" they shout. "We came back first, we get the job!!" "Good work, men," says the boss, "However, we must wait until the other crew comes back to make sure that the reason they're delayed is not because of traffic, or that the truck broke down."

"Fine, no problem," say the men.

An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 12:00, the Blonde crew arrive. All the group is flushed and breathing hard, as if they had just gone through harsh labor."What happened to you? What took so long?" asks the boss incredulously.

"What do you mean, 'what took so long?' Do we get the job?" "YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS ago!"

"Well, of course they were," say the blondes. "They only put the pole in halfway!"

Brittany is our dumb blonde

Brittany sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

Brittany thought a quarterback was a refund.

Brittany tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

Brittany thought General Motors was in the Army.

Brittany thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

Brittany thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

Under "Education" on her job application, she put
"Hooked on Phonics."

Brittany tried to drown a fish.

Brittany tripped over a cordless phone.

Brittany spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."

Brittany got stabbed in a shoot-out.

Brittany told her friend to meet her at the corner of
"Walk" and "Don't walk."

They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Libra."

Brittany asked for a price check at the dollar store.

It takes her two hours to watch "60 Minutes."

Brittany studied for a urine test and failed.

Brittany thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."

Brittany sold her car for gas money.

When she saw the "NC-17 -- Under 17 not admitted," she went home and got 16 friends.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

Brittany thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

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An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out
an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray

hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.

He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"

Automatic washing machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

Bargain basement upstairs.

Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

Horse manure per pre-packed bag do-it-yourself.

After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

This is the gate of heaven. enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side door.)

We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?

The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.

Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also.

Slow cattle crossing. no overtaking for the next 100 yrs.

Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome.

Due to increasing problems with letter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.

Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days
will be disposed of.

Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may
not be worth much but our petrol is.

Elephants please stay in your car.

For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)

* 12% Monday

* 23% Tuesday

* 40% Wednesday

* 20% Thursday

* 5% Friday

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A bum asks a man for two dollars.

The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"

The bum said, "No."

The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"

The bum said, "No."

Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what

happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

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Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.

2nd Child: Why are you crying?

1st Child: I came here for blood test.

2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?

1st Child: No. Not that. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

At this, the second one started crying. The first one was astonished.

1st Child: Why are you crying now?

2nd Child: I have come for my urine test!

He needs to go on a business trip for several days, so he

decides to set a trap for her. He puts a bowl of milk under the bed. From the bed springs, he suspends a spoon. He has it calibrated so her weight on the bed will not drop the spoon into the milk. But, if there is any more weight than that, the spoon will drop into the milk and he will detect it upon his return home.

He comes home several days later. The first thing he does is reaches under the bed and retrieves the bowl.

The bowl is full of butter....

 Family Stress Test

To score, enter the number that is most appropriate for each question:

0 - if the statement is never true

1 - if it is rarely true

2 - if it is sometimes true

3 - if it is always true.

1. ___ Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk."

2. ___ The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

3. ___ The cat is on Valium.

4. ___ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

5. ___ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.

6. ___ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

7. ___ No one has time to *wait* for microwaved food.

8. ___ "Family meetings" are often mediated by local law enforcement officials.

9. ___ You have to check your kids' day-timers to see if they *can* take out the garbage.

10.___ No-Doze gives you bulk rates.

How you rate:

30 - A perfect score! Welcome to the neighborhood!

20-29 - You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little going on in your life. Crank it up a bit.

10-19 - You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered a parallel career path?

0-9 - Enjoying all that extra time? What do you do anyway?

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Priest."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.

The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yep we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.

The priest then went to the newly-wed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What happened?" inquired the priest . "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it" said the young man. "When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church" stated the priest. "We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the Supermarket anymore either"

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A traveller in Spain goes to a Madrid restaurant and orders the house special.

"What's this?" he asks. "Cojones," the waiter replies, "They are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."

At first the man is disgusted but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again.

This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller. "What's this?" he asks the waiter. "Cojones," the waiter replies.

"No, no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these." "Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."

- If you are obsessive, press 1, repeatedly.

- If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

- If you have a multiple personality disorder,

       press 3, 4, 5 & 6.

- If you're schizophrenic, listen closely and a little

voice will tell you which number to press.

- If you are paranoid, stay on the line so we can

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